It's almost the end of warm-weather season, a time of year punctuated by trips to the family cabin, cookouts, beach days, and not-so-subtle money grabs.
There's always a subtext. Kids run around barefoot while your mom brags about your salary — and then points out your cousin Tim is still out of work. He could use a little “help” to stay afloat — especially when he always looked out for you in undergrad — if only there was a kind and wealthy benefactor in the family.
These pointed pleas for help can come at any time of year. If family's afoot, it's open hunting season. Even if it's not Christmas or Tim's birthday (and since when did grown cousins give each other gifts anyway?), being the family success means sharing the spoils or being branded as a cold, unfeeling jerk.
But before you fork over cash to keep the peace (which, by the way, won't last), hold up. Being related to someone doesn't make you responsible for their bills. Healthy boundaries make for healthy, non-resentful relationships so you can stay sane and be generous on your own terms.
Here's how to handle money asks from family without torching your relationships. Because even if you don't like Cousin Tim, do you really want to take the heart from your mom, grandma, and Tim's mom?
1. Have Your Answer Ready Before Anyone Asks
Don't wait until you're put on the spot — because you will be. People-pleasers are especially ripe pickings.
Practice now what you'll say when a cousin asks you about “a quick loan” or a “short-term thing.”
A simple script — “I'm not in a position to help financially right now, but I hope things turn around for you” — can keep you from saying yes out of shock or guilt.
If you need time to think, say so. “Let me look at a few things and get back to you.” This buys you time and space.
2. Don't Give Money If You Can't Afford To Lose It
If the idea of never being repaid would make you resentful, don't give the money.
Charles Schwab recommends a few smart guidelines. Only lend what:
- Won't wreck your budget.
- Won't wreck your peace.
- Won't wreck your relationship (if the money never comes back).
Never sabotage your own finances to help others. Don't dip into your emergency fund, delay retirement savings, or shortchange your own bills to play family hero.
3. If You're Partnered, Make the Call Together
Even if it's your own mother asking, the money likely affects both you and your partner. Don't make a solo decision on shared finances.
Unilateral generosity can lead to quiet resentment at home (or loud resentment if you live in mine). Loop in your spouse or partner before you say yes instead of telling them about it afterward.
What if you feel duty-bound to help, and are willing to stomach your partner's ire after?
Here's a script for you. “Of course, I want to help and support you. Let me talk to _______ to see what we can come up with.”
No one wants to do a pitched battle with their spouse, but a conversation is inevitable: before or after you gift the funds.
Additionally, you're impressing upon others that your money is not yours alone to give. Asking money from you is the same as asking money from your partner.
4. Remember, Past Behavior Predicts Future Behavior
Has this person ever paid others back before? Do they always seem to be in a financial crisis?
The answers to those two questions matter far more than their heartfelt tale of woe.
Helping someone just one time can easily turn into helping them every time — especially if you've never said no.
If they are truly in a dire situation, there are other ways you can provide assistance. “I'm not in a position to lend money, but I'd like to help you in other ways.”
This could mean inviting them to sup with you and the family at home (taking the edge off their grocery bill), helping them create a budget, or having them meet with your financial planner.
Relatives in a continual state of crisis can't see the forest for the trees, and likely need help with executive function management more than another fistful of cash.
5. Make the Help Conditional
If you do offer financial help, tie it to action. Without strings, there's no accountability, and you're feeding a vicious cycle.
Cover a bill if they apply for jobs. Pitch in if they show you a budget.
Some parents even tie financial aid to restrictions, like canceling their Netflix subscription or other monthly services. It may sound harsh, but if they're so broke they need your assistance, they obviously can't afford it.
Tell them, “I can help you with a loan if we go over your budget and expenses together, and we identify some expenses that you can curb until you pay me back.”
Conditional help shows that you care about their long-term financial well-being — and ensures they'll think twice before asking you for money again.
6. Decide Upfront: Is This a Gift or a Loan?
Vague promises like “I'll pay you back when I can” aren't real terms. If it's a loan, treat it like one — with documentation, interest (if required), and a payment plan. Otherwise, call it what it is: a gift.
If it is a gift, you don't get to micromanage how it's spent. That money may not go to the car repair they hit you up for.
While you can't dictate how “gift” money is spent, you can observe how it's used and store that away for the next time they ask for help.
7. Giving Money Won't Fix Your Relationship
If your relationship with Aunt Joan is already distant or tense, money won't smooth it over.
Trying to “buy closeness” often backfires. The borrower will resent any strings attached, or you'll resent the outcome when nothing changes with your relationship.
If you want to build or renew a relationship, start with a text or a ring, not a Venmo.
8. You Can Help Without Handing Over Cash
Support doesn't have to be financial. The Miami Vibes Counseling Center recommends offering other non-monetary assistance, like resume feedback or job searching.
You could even offer to go with them to networking events. (Let's be real; everyone hates them, and who wouldn't love a wingman?)
Money isn't the only form of generosity, and certainly not the best form
9. Watch for Guilt Trips and Pressure Tactics
If Cousin Frank only calls when he needs money — or if your dad leans into language like “You're the only one who can help” — hit pause.
As a kid, I remember my grandmother asking my parents for $5,000. For my aunt. My grandma managed to pack a plea, admonishment, and a “You're the only ones who can afford it” speech all in one punch — along with a not-so-subtle reminder of how much money it cost her to raise my dad.
My parents were unimpressed. They've been “thinking on” the request for nearly thirty years.
You're not obligated to help just because you can afford to, or because your parents raised you. That's their job. High-pressure tactics don't make their money request any more legitimate, and manipulation is not love.
You're allowed to say “no” and let them stew in resentment.
10. Choose Guilt Over Resentment
Saying “no” might make you feel guilty. But feeling angry and resentful every time you see them is far worse.
Choose guilt over resentment. Sure, they might call you “mean” or make you out as the “bad guy.” But in the long run, it's better for your wallet and your relationship. Declining politely, but firmly, sets a clear boundary to protect your peace and avoid future money entanglements.
Before You Say Yes (Or No)
Some family money requests can follow a predictive rhythm — holidays, taxes, or back-to-school season — more often, they don't stick to the calendar. They pop up year round, often when you least expect them.
Setting boundaries isn't just about what you say in the moment; it's how consistently you follow through. Remember that if you're partnered, these decisions affect both of you, regardless of which side of the family is asking.
Make the call together before emotions run high and you're tempted to say yes just to quash an uncomfortable conversation.
Handing over cash without a plan isn't generosity — it's enablement that fails to help your family member build a stronger financial footing. There's nothing wrong with helping when you genuinely want to and can afford it, but don't let yourself get pressured into it just because you'll see them at the next family BBQ.
Here are some “dos” and “don'ts” to keep handy year-round so you can maintain your boundaries without creating unnecessary family drama.
Don'ts
- Don't blame your partner for not being able to help. Hinting that your partner said no, or controls the money, will villainize them. This means don't throw your partner under the bus. The decision is truly a joint decision, and you need to own your part in it.
- Don't quietly say yes and expect unspoken repayment. If you didn't ask for terms, don't assume any.
- Don't sneak help to one family member and lie about it to others. Secrets don't stay secret. When they blow up, so does your credibility.
- Don't shame them or yourself. You can decline without delivering a lecture.
- Don't leave the door cracked if it's actually closed. A soft no invites a second ask. Be firm.
Dos
- Do be direct and calm. “I'm not able to help financially” is enough.
- Do make joint decisions with your partner. You don't need two people stressed over one person's generosity.
- Do offer non-financial support if it feels right. Resources, job leads, and budgeting tips are legit ways to help.
- Do decide your rules ahead of time. How much? To whom? Under what conditions? Write your policy before emotions get involved.
- Do follow through. Boundaries mean nothing if you bend them the second things get uncomfortable.
