Time isn't really a flat circle; it's a spiral downward, with each revolution taking you further from understanding what 16-year-olds are talking about.
“The hell is ‘dwerking'?” I hear you ask yourself. “Is ‘polyphonic perception' a health condition?” you continue. “And why aren't children laughing at farts anymore!?” you ask plaintively, a single tear rolling down your cheek.
It's a good thing I'm here, because I have answers to those questions and many more you didn't even think to ask. So get ready to engage your full contextual semantic fluency to make sense of the secret world all around you.
Is Gen Alpha normalizing farts?
We may have to confront the unsettling possibility that Gen Alpha is emotionally well-adjusted and fart jokes are a thing of the past.
Remember when you were in grade school, and someone would cut a fart and everyone would laugh? Apparently that doesn't happen anymore. There are a couple of videos blowing up on TikTok where young kids are interviewed about farting, and they say really sensible things like “it's normal,” and “it's like laughing at hiccups.” The Gen A kids in these videos also report that no one is picked on for farting in school any more, even if it's a really smelly one. What kind of world are we living in?
Check them out:
“A couple of TikTok videos” is the definition of “scant, anecdotal evidence,” but it feels true, and there's something compelling in the way the kids answer, even if you can't absolutely draw a conclusion from it. These kids don't seem like they're trying to be accepting of others, or mature; they seem genuinely bewildered by the question, like they can't understand why anyone would think farts are funny.
I'm not sure how to feel about this. It is natural, but on the other hand, where's the whimsy? What about the joy you get when someone accuses you of farting, and you can say, “Smellers the feller?” What about that maturity-defining rite-of-passage when you fart in front of other people and just own it? Kids are not going to understand Blazing Saddles at all, and they won't know what Rodney Dangerfield means when he says, “Did somebody step on a duck?” in Caddyshack. Truly, a brave new world.
What are “dwerking,” “pwerking,” and “bwerking?”
Whether it's the WAP, the Wednesday, or The Box, TikTok has always been known for its dances, and there are three new steps taking off on the platform: dwerking, pwerking, and bwerking. The terms are variations of “twerking.” Dwerking is a male-centric variation of twerking, a rough definition: “sexually suggestive dancing characterized by rapid, repeated hip thrusts and shaking of the (SLANG FOR MALE GENITALIA).” The “P” in “pwerking” is shaking of the P, and the B in “bwerking” stands for “boobs.” Here are videos to illustrate each:
The moves are nothing new, of course. People have been freaky dancing since forever, so this is another example of young people giving a new name to an old thing and thinking they invented it. I've gone into greater detail in this post.
(For more slang definitions, check out my ever-growing glossary of Gen Z and Gen Alpha slang.)
What do you think so far?
What is “polyphonic perception?”
Speaking of kids thinking they invented everything, TikToker Brelle has some thoughts about music theory. In a recent video, entitled “A visual representation of polyphonic perception” she breaks down how she hears Justin Timberlake's “My Love,” pointing out her ability to “hear every single component and respond to it differently,” and bragging that she can “even hear the soft ‘ahhhhhs' in between the melody of his vocal stacks.”
Brelle's commenters were quick to clown on her with posts like, “I would kill for this combination of delusion and main character energy” and “I have polyvision. I can see out of both eyes. It's honestly a gift. Please respect my journey.”
Funny jokes, but I think she has a point (kind of). Calling it “polyphonic perception” is ridiculous (most people perceive polyphony), but some people really are better at hearing music than others. Some people can recognize intervals easily, or have perfect pitch. Furthermore, recognizing it is not new.
Back in the jazz heyday of the '50s, hepcats would compliment people by saying something like, “that guy has ears, man,” meaning something like, “that guy has a highly developed sense of musicality.” Sometimes it would refer to a musician who plays by ear easily, but sometimes it meant more like “they're a person who can appreciate and understand music more than other people.” The idea of “having ears” (or “polyphonic perception,” if you prefer) is also intertwined with taste. The ability to discern complexity in music implies the ability to appreciate and understand the difference between “good” and “bad” music. Some would argue that musical taste is subjective, but on the other hand, many people prefer listening to Kid Rock over listening to Stevie Wonder, so they must be worse at hearing sounds, right?
What is Meltmaxxing?
Gen Z did invent meltmaxxing. The name is derived from “looksmaxxing,” but it isn't some creepy shit like bone smashing from the squalid incel corners of the internet where anything+maxxing is a thing. Instead, it's a wholesome meme where you film yourself appearing to “melt,” going from 0% melted, to 50% melted, all the way to 100% and beyond. The melting isn't achieved through an Instagram filter, but by letting your face go slack and double-chinned, letting your mouth drop open, and slouching in a serious way. You “squish your face into yourself until you end up with like six chins,” explains Aryan & Remi. You might even drool.
Here are some videos to give you an idea:
Viral video of the week: Blackpink – ‘뛰어(JUMP)' M/V
The collective polyphonic perception and polyvision of the world's youth have determined that K-pop band Blackpink's video for their song “Jump” is awesome, and who am I to argue? Posted about two weeks ago, the video has already been played over 100 million times. Blackpink, if you're not in the know, is one of the most influential and popular Korean Wave bands. Unlike others in the k-pop genre, they have serious staying power: Blackpink has been around for nearly a decade and is still putting out hits. As for the song, I'm obviously way outside the target demographic, but you don't need refined polyphonic perception to hear what's working here: massive hooks and production so clean it sound like music from outer space.
