Pain is often a catalyst to transformation, for anybody who has gone through a certain amount of pain be it physical, psychology or emotional, they’ve seen a transformation in their lives. Now this could have been for the better or for the worst, some people go through pain which leads them to trauma while other people go through the same pain, but it leads them to greater strength. The pain of having to go through school makes some very productive while that same pain makes others rather lazy, so I can’t make a generalization and say that it works for everyone in the same way, but I think these are difficulties we face one way or the other, it’s just a matter of timing and preparedness and the latter is what I want to address here. I think everybody needs a heartbreak for two reasons;
- the first is for you to undergo the transformation that comes with that, and hopefully it makes you a stronger person in the end.
- Secondly because it is basically unavoidable in this modern society, unless you live on top of a mountain, emotional issues are something you’ll eventually have to deal with at some point or another.
Its not like we plan for pain or we wake up every morning thinking that we are going to get hit by a bus or we are going to fall in love, those are things which just happen and very often we aren’t prepared when they happen to us. Emotional pain is a different and unique kind of pain, as opposed to physical pain where you can really evaluate the damage and get a prescription on how to best deal with it, emotional person is much more difficult to diagnose, you can’t tell how far the damage goes, and you can’t tell what amount of medicine you need to heal that pain. I can’t address all emotional issues here, neither am I a specialist in heartbreaks, but I just want to throw in my 2 cents into this conversation.
Dealing with the pain of a heartbreak
I read a wonderful quote which really explained where the pain comes from in a heartbreak
When we are in a relationship with a person, voluntarily, or involuntarily we give them pieces of ourselves and whenever they hurt us, they take away those pieces from us and that’s what causes us pain, because we are no longer whole anymore. Those pieces could be anything; expectations, habits, our love, our emotions etc those pieces were very important, and they were a part of us as well, so when they leave or when they hurt us, they shatter those to pieces and that leaves us feeling incomplete, that’s also why very often, emotional pain is associated with emptiness, you feel a void somewhere inside your mind.
There is no set way to deal with such a pain, its not like you can just find those pieces of yourself at the local provision store, some of those pieces took decades to build, they took so much work and commitment to craft and in a matter of seconds, they are all taken away. Just imagine a valuable glass vase which is dropped and in an instant shatters to millions of pieces, how could you possibly fix that? Do you put the pieces back together, do you go out and buy a new one, do you rewind time so the vase comes back into one piece? Now depending on your relationship with that person, the pieces might be just a couple or millions, it will take time for you to put back the pieces together (try to fix the relationship), you might have to even go get a new vase all together (find a new relationship) which might take a while for you to raise the money to do, or you could be careful to whom you hand the vase in the first place (be careful whom you trust).
Undergoing the transformation
I don’t think everybody has ever been punched in the face but we’ve all received an injection at one point or the other. Once that needle touches your skin, you feel an acute pain which goes round your body, then you feel uncomfortable as long as that needle is in your body, when that needle is taken out the pain still lasts for a while before eventually it dies away. I won’t say an emotional pain is exactly similar but the process is the same, the intensity is the same and the feeling is brand new, you can’t really explain it but all you know for sure is that you are in pain somewhere and you’ll do anything for that pain to stop, at the beginning you try to understand the pain and where its hurting you but there is no physical location, no bleeding, nothing inside you is out of place. You go through a lengthy process of trying to figure out what is wrong with you but to no avail, thats when you look for ways to deal with that pain but its quite difficult to deal with something you’ve never experienced and in this case, your immune system can’t help you.
The best way of dealing with emotional pain is by talking about it, to a friend, therapist or anybody who would listen to you, it helps to get those emotions out and not hold on to them for too long, they could easily drive you insane. Once the pain has settled in as the norm and now you are in constant pain but don’t feel it that much anymore, you try to find a reason as to why you are in that pain, what did you do? what did the other person do or not do? and what explains this pain and how can you get rid of it? Finding an explanation won’t help relieve that pain so you eventually come to terms and accept the reality of human nature.
There might be a justification to the actions of the other person but at the base, every human being is all about survival and they’ll do what is at their best interest even if it ends up hurting another person. With time you’ll come to accept the reality of things, even if it doesn’t mean you’ll be ok with it. Its at this point when you undergo a transformation, there is a shift in your mind in order to accommodate this new experience;
would you become resentfull and seek for vengeance, will you fold into yourself and lock the world away from you, will you become cold and heartless like the other person? one thing sure is that, you’ll never be the same anymore and your mind is going to take measures to ensure that this never happens again.
A transformed you
You start to slowly discover your new self, you’ve been enlighten into a new world which was already all around you but which you never saw. You start to see other people who are just like you, now you see people for who they truly are and your naivity over the meekness of the world has completely faded away, the world isn’t that fairy tale after all, its not always “happily ever after”. We’ll all like to believe in a world where nothing bad happens and where the hero wins all the time but thats not always the case, even in this scenario am sure you’ll have wanted to stay the same and never want to undergo that transformation but thats just what happened
in the end does it make you a better person or a worse one? that depends on what you eventually make out of it all. Will you go around destroying other people’s perception of reality or will you continue living in disbelief
It all depends on you at this point. Heartbreak isn’t something anybody wants but just like accidents, they happen without warning, now you have to live with a scar on your mind. Now for most people that makes them stronger, and they demand more in their relationships, they don’t just settle for some fake promises or empty words but heavily focus on the actions of others, you shouldn’t just say you love me you have to prove it! You shouldn’t just say you are my friend, you have to show it!
We spend most of our time saying we are good friends, but can we prove it when it comes down to that? Will those same friends be there when the relationship gets tough? Heartbreaks here aren’t necessarily in love relationships, a friend could break your heart, a child, a parent, a role model and much more. Each of these relationships are like vases of different integrity, some break with very few pieces while others break with a lot of pieces, it all depends on how intense your relationship with that person is. For a girl you meet today and who says “no” to you isn’t compared to a long time love relationship who rejects you.
I won’t say most people are naive, I’m not trying to break your bubble here in case you are, it’s more like how you don’t notice an object which is right in front of you until somebody draws your attention to it, and now you can’t notice anything else. For one reason or the other, a relationship can be broken, you may have a fall-out with your friend just over something casual, a wrong word, a wrong gesture etc. Now if you are in this state of naivety, you are really going to get offended by that and feel resentful but once you’ve already undergone that transformation, such character won’t surprise you anymore, you won’t be surprised that your friends chose money over you, or that your spouse could hit you etc. You will be amazed at how many problems arise just from simple misunderstandings, people don’t have the same amount of information or aren’t thinking in the same way, these are all things which could lead to that feeling of heartbreak. Imagine a parent who had to work hard to get all the wealth he has and now has children who are lazy and entitled, that’s a heartbreak right there, but was it the fault of any person? no, not at all, they are just different persons coming from different generations, but the heartbreak still remains, one side knows more while the other side comes from a place of ignorance. There are so many examples out there, I really can’t cover all of them.
There isn’t really much you can do other than to accept that reality, accept that things aren’t always going to be like you see them or like you want them to be. People aren’t always going to be honest, and you can’t compel them, people aren’t always going to be loyal and you can’t force them to be, things aren’t always going to work out like you want them to, you have to learn to deal with that and to accept it. The world is just like that, messed up in many ways but yet still very much beautiful through all those flaws, you just have to take it for what it is. This disappointment will make you a stronger person, especially when you don’t become resentful of it all or waste your time trying to change how the world works, but rather embrace it for what it is and learn how to use it that way.
Thanks for reading ☺️